of picnics...

 I remember during my schools days in Shillong, i used to hate Sundays, why? because, Sundays meant going for trekking. No offence, i love everything that involves nature and being at one with nature but somehow i never could manage to get the hang of it. Picnics, hunting and fishing trips is another that i'm not much into either. I remember how my friends used to give me the 'look' as i declared my lack of enthusiasm for any of the ones i just mentioned, while they rave on and on. No offence, but I'm not much of an outdoor,nature-loving, adventure-seeking kind of a person.
 Out of sheer boredom and the monotony of everything happening around me,  i decided to do something that normally wouldn't make me raise an eyebrow. And so, yesterday, on a picnic i went, with some friends. Why did i decide to go on the picnic? simple!! Because I was bored at home and was seeking for something out-of-the -ordinary. Turns out,  I had so much FUNNNNNN!!!! and by fun i mean, getting sloshed in mud, i didn't fish but i happened to taste one of the tastiest fish and game ever, and yes, the alcohol did manage to add a few notches up on the 'fun-bar'.  I also ended up meeting some interesting, cool people, which is always a good thing and being single and free, what do i got to loose. Speaking of single, i happened to be the only 'single', unattached female amongst the lot, which is turning out to be a routine for me lately( the odd one out types).
 By at the end of the day, after the mud-slosh, the beer, the jokes,the mouth-watering food,and the company, I came to the conclusion that picnics are not so bad after all and neither is it so bad to do something once in a while certain things that you thought you wouldn't enjoy. Because this weekend definitely taught me that one must be open to experience new things in life because you never know, something surprisingly pleasant might just result. It was a good weekend, I'm glad it was good one...

Finding peace and facing life

Acclaimed 20th century poet/novelist Virginia Wolfe once said that "one cannot find peace by avoiding life". How true. Every now and then, I find myself tangled up at the throes of life, when I'm constantly faced with the inevitabilities of life like losing loved ones, disappointments, failure, heartaches, I feel like running away or  find an escape route.  like any other 'insanely-sane' person would do....I try to run, avoid life..until.......

Three years ago, I took the opportunity to visit an old friend of mine with whom, through the passage of time, I had lost in touch with. Meeting her turned out to be one of those eye-opening,life altering experiences. She portrayed  the picture of a young lady who was full of life and vigor that she seemed to literally 'eat life' and all the while, I kept thinking and asked myself why I couldn't  feel the same as her.
 Here was a young woman, who, at the age of 28, found out that she was infected with the virus and living life as an HIV positive woman. At the first instant, one would have nothing but sheer pity for her but the instant you meet this exuberant  person, you will have second thoughts about your pre-conceived notions. She told me that she is not ashamed to tell people about her status, in fact, she tells me that by denying it only breeds contempt and discrimination. She sets an example for millions of young women around the world to fight the stigma of discrimination against people living with the virus. Today she works for the frontal AIDS organisation in Nagaland, NSACS, joining the millions of people around the world in the global fight against the disease.
As a woman, I go through what every woman goes through.....the mood swings, the untimely headaches, the fear of being misunderstood and being subjugated because I am a woman. As a woman, who has just set foot into her 30's, I do face a quarter-life crisis, living a non-descript life, and so many fears and demons that i have to face every waking moment of my life. Sometimes I feel like running, sometimes I do but when such fears inch their way closer into the peripheries of my countless insecurities, I'm reminded of women like my friend, and many like her, who choose to face life instead of running away from it. It's at those times that I remember and realize what exactly Virginnia Wolf was tryin to say about finding peace and facing life...

flames

What were we then,
two people unable to fit in each other's world,
two people too feeble for their past.
strangers trying to find a familiarity
in their strange world,
trying to compromise with the eventuality of time.

What are we now,
still the same two bitter people,
trying to take back what was once your's and mine.
still two people entangled in a web of lies,
engulfed by guilt and remorse.
nothing's changed..you are still vain and insecure..
i am still me...
and yet we stand too close to where we came in.

moving on....

what's lost cannot be brought back,
the heart may take time to heal,
what we can do is make peace with the past. Everyday is a constant struggle to move on and not let the past catch up with us. We need to look beyond our loss and tragedies. there's nothing in the past that belongs to us anymore, we had our time in the sun and now all that's left are just memories and few snippets of reminders here and there. I was browsing through my old journals and in between the pages i saw an old wedding card, and inside it were some photographs, two taxi tickets, (one was of the first time i went to visit him and the second was of the trip i took to spent our first Valentine's day) and an old parched rose which he gave me on V-day (of course, it was a fresh one back then) After looking at them, at that instant, the one thing that came to my mind was..they belong in the trash can and i was just about to, when, i guess, sanity rushed back in and i decided to let them find their way back home, inside that wedding card to be neatly tugged away for long between the pages of my old journal.
Break ups are never easy..anyone who refutes that must be shot in the head :p ....I asked one of my best friends what's the worse thing about breaking up and very rightfully she replied that its the whole moving on process that's worst. Couldn't agree more, because it ain't about the fear of being alone or trying to cope with  the loneliness, that's where the friends come in to play their role. But the long tiring journey of reconciling with the past, forgiving and forgetting is the hardest. And its true, women find it harder to forget rather than forgive. The 'forgiving' part comes easy, no doubt. 'Forgetting' is what makes the moving on part the hardest. and i always thought that the worse thing about breaking up would the feeling of loneliness, not untill whatever my friend said to me started to make sense.
And so i try...u know the moving on part...i go and hang out with my best friends (who,btw, are all part of the been- there-done -that bandwagon) i party with them, get drunk with them, i gossip with them and bitch about the distasteful men that we have been with, like the recent exes... :) It makes me wonder what would life be without friends, like it or not, they are our mirrors. And i am certainly one of the luckiest to have them in my life for its because of them that my moving-on part is a little less hard to handle. And as for the rest, i believe that with just 42 dsas left for the year to end (yes, bite me, i am literally counting the days) I cant even begin to imagine what  wonderful things are in store for me in the new year. :D

declaration of self

I am searching for me
i had..a face to be looked at,
a mind to be understood,
a voice to be heard.

I am me,
a person, a woman,
looking for a niche.
I wait as my pen process
 my thoughts into words.

I am me,
a wild spirit, a lover of the soul.
I am me,
a writer of life.
my life is defined by words,
simple alphabets joined to give shape to my silhouette.

this is me...

well..this is me..i'm just like any ordinary,person living a mundane life trying to make it a little colorful by adding some dashes of color every now and then,thanks to  my oh-so-colorful  life and my girlfriends and their oh-so- dramatic lives..

this is me, a girl who had just turned 30, single, independent, passionate, fun-loving, reckless, crazy, wild and the proverbs are aplenty...

this is me..somebody who has been down the road of failure only to buckle up and stand again, who has had her share of heartaches but always managed to love again, someone who has also like any other,seen the black and the white and the grey areas as well...and wont mind seeing more..

believe me, when i say my life is ordinary but colorful..